It sneaks up on me

Behind the office is gazebo that is well known to anyone that frequents the compound.

It is many things:

a place for meetings 

a place for orientations 

a place to work and enjoy fresh air 

a place to escape the walls of the building

a place for language lessons

a place to hide

Even though it has been almost 4 months since I left the village and about two months since I made the decision to come to Uganda and accept the position in the office, the grief of the events of those months still sneaks up on me from time to time. 

Today was one of those days. 

It is like any other part of life. The most random of things can trigger a memory. It may come from a picture, smell, something someone says, or somehow the brain just follows a random train of thought that leads to a memory. I can't say for sure what happened today. It may have been a combination of things to be honest. Then, of course, it rains. My leaders are extremely understanding of the ongoing transition I have been in for some time. They know it is difficult and will do whatever they can to make it better, including allowing me to leave the office early. I would have gladly left but the rain was heavy enough that transportation back to the flat would have been difficult. 

I needed to hid and to escape. 

I hid in the gazebo and escaped into the story of a book.

(initially unknowingly to me, someone captured the moment through a window; see above)

It was like the grief was reminding me that I can't just jump into this new position and everything will be fine and dandy. Today was only the beginning of my second week in the office. It will take a few weeks to figure out what tasks can be delegated to me and then some time for me to learn the ways of things. I know I need to acknowledge the pain of what happened and my brain seems to be smart enough to make that happen from time to time. But it is hard! 

Various aspects of my time in Tanzania were challenging. I can not deny that on any level. But somehow I still loved it. I don't think I realized that until I felt the pain of losing everything that was there. 

This grief I feel is pain of what I loved.

There is not going to be a profound conclusion to this post. 

I've actually been trying to conclude this for some time. The truth is that this is what it is. It is grief, sadness, heartache, and pain and it doesn't stop just because a new chapter has started. It is still there just as the previous chapters of a book are always there and the characters are what they are only because of what happened in those chapters. I am who I am because of the previous events; because of the heartache; because of the new friendships; because of the waiting and the transition; because of everything that has happened. 

I know the grief will sneak up on me again. 

It will probably happen more than once. I'm learning to embrace it when it happens. I try not to limit the grief (not too much anyway). It is there for a reason and the last events of the last few months will forever be part of my story. This includes the actual physical events as well as the feelings that came with them. 

Now, all I can do is try to tackle each day as a new day with new opportunities and new chances for joy. Some days will be harder than others, but I can try.